As I sat listening to the radio whilst procrastinating doing my homework, I began to realise how truly pointless modern music is. Between talentless, auto-toned, pubescent drama queens and the millions of droning artists who all sound the same with ludicrous names like Tinie Tempah, Dizzee Rascal and Chipmunk, the music industry has become nothing more than a sham. Modern society has been turned into a wave of tasteless zombies, intent on destroying the idea of actual instruments. It’s like We Will Rock You in real life: I feel like the only Scaramouche left.
Let’s take, for example, Rebecca Black. I’m sure most of you can sense the impending rant that’s coming, but why not? Friday has already been set as the most disliked video on YouTube, and to no surprise: the lyrics are so stupid, they’re just hilarious (why are you waiting at the bus stop if you get a lift with your friends? Isn’t that misleading to that poor bus driver, who not only has to deal with screaming babies and doddering OAPs struggling to get on the bus every day, but apparently now has to put up with wailing teenagers using the bus stop as a meeting point? Think people, think!); her voice is comparable to Justin Bieber’s; and the video itself is full of so many flaws, it’s like Swiss cheese (I’m sorry, has the legal age for driving in America been lowered to seven? Because there is no way that kid driving the car in the video is sixteen, and if he isn’t then someone needs to call the police; evidently he’s been playing way too much GTA). Yet whatever its origins, it is a cruel way of showing the world that anyone can become famous, despite the fact they are as tuneful as a cat being sat on by a donkey.
Of course, this destruction of true taste was neither started nor finished by the atrocity that is Friday; yet it has been led by the excuse for music that is Justin Bieber - although of course bad music has been on the scene a lot longer than he has been around. I was excited when I started watching Glee, as I began to think that maybe times were changing, and that with decent music being covered - like that of The Pretenders, The Beatles and of course, Journey – it would soon return to its rightful place at top of the charts. Yet, they too have turned to the dark side, creating a ‘Justin Bieber’ episode, one show dedicated entirely to his inabilities. Thank you Glee: you might as well have taken a hot poker and stuck it in my ears. This floppy haired idiot has more on his head than in it, and is followed daily by desperate girls who evidently have no issues skipping school to tail a pathetic example of a musician – as well as this, any girl over the age of thirteen should be arrested for paedophilia; Justine Bieber is, after all, only twelve. He is a narcissistic, pubescent, arrogant boy with no talent, looks or standing; only money and a good publicist. And as for his film and autobiography – ‘Justin Bieber: Never Say Never’ (You just did. Twice.) and ‘Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever, My Story’ (Clearly Mr Bieber hasn’t yet reached the English lesson that explains the difference between to, too and two.)Well, maybe I should make my own too! After all, I have achieved as much as this mindless moron; probably more in fact. I can honestly say that the only time I have ever been excited to see Bieber was in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, ‘Targets of Obsession’ - when he was shot and killed (I watched the clip on YouTube over and over. It’s amazing.). However, I was very disappointed to learn that he did survive the shooting. There are always more opportunities I suppose…
What pains me more however, is the dismissal of the greater, older music. I could accept, I suppose, the auto-toned noise were it produced alongside proper music. Yet it seems that decent music (made with these funny things called instruments) has disappeared into the nether. I doubt that many of you readers will have even realised that the title of this blog is a play on words of Sugar, We’re Going Down by Fall Out Boy; of course if you did then please make contact, as it is likely we are one of few humans left in this zombified land. I weep for the days where Queen, Bon Jovi and Guns and Roses were the masters of music and were recognised for their talents. Music used to teach you to how to live your life to the fullest; now it just asks you if “you ever feel like a plastic bag” (thanks for that Katy Perry. Another sell out artist who used to be good, but went speedily downhill when the money came rolling in)
Now it seems that there are only three options left to the modern artist: Create entirely false music, with speech not song about nothing but unnecessary swearing; stick as close to your true style as possible, yet produce at least one ‘modern’ tune in order to break through to the wider audience (like Pink with Raise Your Glass and Avril Lavigne with Girlfriend and What The Hell); or disappear entirely into the background so as to follow the road to true music, like Blink 182, Paramore and You Me At Six. Even I have to say, grudgingly, that the bands I don’t like (My Chemical Romance, Kings of Leon) are at least attempting to make good music, rather than taking the easy option and talking into a microphone for a living.
Please, music artists of the future: change your ways and pick up a guitar or two, rather than allowing the computer to do it for you, or else risk me either killing you or myself.